I have a few things I need to say.
Over the last few months I have become increasingly aware of some family and friends who don't agree with us letting Chandler transition. I started realizing I hadn't seen any Facebook posts from certain family members. When I went to their pages to see what was happening I found that they had unfriended me. I have also noticed that some people I thought I was close with are now avoiding me and not communicating at all. I also have friends and family on Facebook who still follow me and vice versa who make comments and post articles that are ignorant and hateful. I have tried to be thoughtful toward my family and friends who don't agree with the way we have handled Chandler.I don't feel I have been an activist or overly pushy with my personal views. I have simply posted about our life like any other family. In an effort to maintain a normal life. I have mostly avoided commenting on things that were hurtful and disturbing to me. Guess What. That is all about to change. I am a fierce mother. A mother with 3 children that I will fight for. Children that I want to feel loved and accepted no matter what. If you continue to post hate filled articles on issues you have no personal understanding of, expect that I WILL SPEAK MY MIND. If this continues I will probably hide your feed as well. This does not mean I don't love you. We may just disagree, but I can't keep allowing these negative opinions to bombard me everyday without fighting for the world I want my children to grow up in. If one more person makes a reference to transgender people being mentally ill I might go crazy. If you had met my child or many of our friends you would know that most of us were aware from the time they were young that they did not conform to society's standards. You would also know that for many of them serious depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide were also a part of their life until they transitioned and became who they were meant to be. Being true to themselves makes them the happiest, most beautiful people I have ever met.
Most of our family and friends have been loving and understanding, but we have some immediate family and close friends who seem to be having a particularly difficult time. For the most part, I think they are avoiding contact because it is uncomfortable for them. We understand that Chandler's transition takes some adjusting, but our children are our top priority and we need to look after their well-being.Being born LGBTQ is a way a person feels on the inside to the deepest core of their being. It is not like LGBTQ people did not have a choice being born this way. We hope those who are having a particularly difficult time will be able to find a way to be comfortable with us soon. We love you and when you are ready we will be here.
I love you all. I know that only a few people read my blog and that is mostly from Facebook links. I don't have a ton of Facebook friends so know that if you are one of them I respect and care for you. I need that same love and respect back. I am not asking everyone to change all of their opinions. Just to be loving and respectful. If you are not gay you cannot possibly understand what it feels like to be. If you are not transgender you cannot possibly understand the trials and turmoil this puts them through.
You have now been warned. If you post something I find ridiculous or hate filled on these topics that touch me personally, I will breath my Momma Dragon fire down your Facebook feed.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Chandlers Prom
If you read my last post you are aware of my current frustration. This week has been particularly difficult for me emotionally. I have so many things to say but after realizing most of them were negative I decided to let them go for now and focus on Chandlers prom.
Chandler attended the LGBTQ prom last year and this year. This is a safe environment for teens in this community and there friends to have a supervised event without fear of ridicule or bullying. This year she was so excited to go. This will be the first time she will have attended a fancy gathering as a female. I did something I never thought I would do. I bought a prom dress and spent hours online trying to find the right pair of shoes. I asked a great photographer Mindy Rainey if she would come take Chandlers pictures before hand. She asked if Chandler would like to have pictures of getting ready to show the whole process. When I asked Chandler she was super excited at the idea. That afternoon she came over to document the process of Chandler presenting the way she feels. She was privileged to watch Chandlers process. No one else is ever allowed in the bathroom while Chandler puts on her face.
There are a few things I want to point out. Chandlers natural hair. About 2 years ago Chandler shaved her hair short for the first time. We realize now that she was trying to fit into the social stereotypes of what a boy should be. All it did was make her miserable. She is growing it out but it is not long enough for the styles she likes. She has a variety of wigs in many different colors and styles. Many days she is able to fix her hair super cute with a bandanna bow and a clip on pony tail. The only time you will see her like the first picture I posted is just before getting ready. Her hair and makeup will always be done. She is very much into the Betty Paige style and loves vintage clothes and looks. She gets fabulous items at thrift stores all the time.
For anyone who has difficulty understanding, agreeing with, tolerating or accepting transgender people I want to say this. All they want is to have a safe world for them to live the way they feel inside. If you are unwilling to have them in your life the loss is truly yours. Chandler is a great kid who has so much to offer the world. I have learned so much from her. PLEASE don't pass judgment on something you can't possibly understand. Just love. This is not something anyone who has not experienced it first hand can possibly understand.
Chandler attended the LGBTQ prom last year and this year. This is a safe environment for teens in this community and there friends to have a supervised event without fear of ridicule or bullying. This year she was so excited to go. This will be the first time she will have attended a fancy gathering as a female. I did something I never thought I would do. I bought a prom dress and spent hours online trying to find the right pair of shoes. I asked a great photographer Mindy Rainey if she would come take Chandlers pictures before hand. She asked if Chandler would like to have pictures of getting ready to show the whole process. When I asked Chandler she was super excited at the idea. That afternoon she came over to document the process of Chandler presenting the way she feels. She was privileged to watch Chandlers process. No one else is ever allowed in the bathroom while Chandler puts on her face.
 |
| The beginning |
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| This Wig head will never leave! |
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| This is the smile that we had lost for so long. Now that Chandler can be herself we see it so much more. |
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| The tackle box I got her to organize all her stuff in after the crash in the bathroom incident. |
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| The skills of applying liquid eyeliner. |
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| The face all made up and ready to go. |
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| Now for the hair! |
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| This is my favorite picture. |
There are a few things I want to point out. Chandlers natural hair. About 2 years ago Chandler shaved her hair short for the first time. We realize now that she was trying to fit into the social stereotypes of what a boy should be. All it did was make her miserable. She is growing it out but it is not long enough for the styles she likes. She has a variety of wigs in many different colors and styles. Many days she is able to fix her hair super cute with a bandanna bow and a clip on pony tail. The only time you will see her like the first picture I posted is just before getting ready. Her hair and makeup will always be done. She is very much into the Betty Paige style and loves vintage clothes and looks. She gets fabulous items at thrift stores all the time.
For anyone who has difficulty understanding, agreeing with, tolerating or accepting transgender people I want to say this. All they want is to have a safe world for them to live the way they feel inside. If you are unwilling to have them in your life the loss is truly yours. Chandler is a great kid who has so much to offer the world. I have learned so much from her. PLEASE don't pass judgment on something you can't possibly understand. Just love. This is not something anyone who has not experienced it first hand can possibly understand.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Frustration
Caitlyn Jenner and Gay Marriage.
I have kept my mouth closed the last few weeks on these topics. I have not been going on social media as much either.
I am FRUSTRATED. I am frustrated at both sides of the issue. I am frustrated that those who support gay marriage and the transgender issue don't seem to understand the convictions of those who oppose it religiously. There needs to be some sympathy for those who are hurting because of these changes. Being against gay marriage usually is based on strong religious beliefs. Whether you agree with them or not they are the beliefs. We are fighting so much for tolerance but being tolerant of religion is somehow being left out.
While I hope there is more understanding of the sadness religious people feel over the changes I hope and PRAY that religious people everywhere choose what they say carefully. I have come across the most hate filled bigoted infuriating articles written out of "spiritual belief". I feel that social media has allowed people to share things without really thinking about who they might hurt. The lord wants us to love one another. Judgement is his, not meant for us on this earth. Stand up for what you believe in absolutely. Love your fellow man, respect one another, treat others with kindness.
If you want your feelings to be understood and taken into account you need to do the same for others. No side is going to convert those on the other. I just want us to all love and respect each other even if we don't agree. I have a transgender child. I understand why friends and family might have a hard time with this. We also appreciate those that might not support this but still love us and welcome us to be a part of their lives. This love is what will improve the world. So much of the hate I have seen going around is from people who have never known someone who is affected on the other side.
Free Agency is extremely important to me. Part of Free Agency is being given the choice to do what we want and not be forced into anything. If everyone respected Free Agency for everyone else and truly loved their fellow man standing up for your own beliefs would not create such a divide between community's. Both sides feel so strongly that they are the true and right way to be that they are losing sight of the big picture.
LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Try to see it through their eyes. If you don't agree don't take it personally. Love them anyway. Please PLEASE don't say stupid hate filled things on issues you don't have any personal experience in. This just adds to the circle of misunderstanding. I say that for everyone.
I love you all. I hope we can all love each other and respect each other.
I have kept my mouth closed the last few weeks on these topics. I have not been going on social media as much either.
I am FRUSTRATED. I am frustrated at both sides of the issue. I am frustrated that those who support gay marriage and the transgender issue don't seem to understand the convictions of those who oppose it religiously. There needs to be some sympathy for those who are hurting because of these changes. Being against gay marriage usually is based on strong religious beliefs. Whether you agree with them or not they are the beliefs. We are fighting so much for tolerance but being tolerant of religion is somehow being left out.
While I hope there is more understanding of the sadness religious people feel over the changes I hope and PRAY that religious people everywhere choose what they say carefully. I have come across the most hate filled bigoted infuriating articles written out of "spiritual belief". I feel that social media has allowed people to share things without really thinking about who they might hurt. The lord wants us to love one another. Judgement is his, not meant for us on this earth. Stand up for what you believe in absolutely. Love your fellow man, respect one another, treat others with kindness.
If you want your feelings to be understood and taken into account you need to do the same for others. No side is going to convert those on the other. I just want us to all love and respect each other even if we don't agree. I have a transgender child. I understand why friends and family might have a hard time with this. We also appreciate those that might not support this but still love us and welcome us to be a part of their lives. This love is what will improve the world. So much of the hate I have seen going around is from people who have never known someone who is affected on the other side.
Free Agency is extremely important to me. Part of Free Agency is being given the choice to do what we want and not be forced into anything. If everyone respected Free Agency for everyone else and truly loved their fellow man standing up for your own beliefs would not create such a divide between community's. Both sides feel so strongly that they are the true and right way to be that they are losing sight of the big picture.
LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Try to see it through their eyes. If you don't agree don't take it personally. Love them anyway. Please PLEASE don't say stupid hate filled things on issues you don't have any personal experience in. This just adds to the circle of misunderstanding. I say that for everyone.
I love you all. I hope we can all love each other and respect each other.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Inogen vs Michaels
Inogen vs Michaels
I was reading some old blog posts and I realized I never really gave an update on my new job. Many people were shocked that I left Michael's for somewhere else. Trust me that no one was more surprised by my decision as myself. I truly loved the job and the people. I was the best me I could be there. I was however working for a corporation that had many restrictions on its employees. I won't go into to much detail about this but it became clear to me that to make the income I needed to support my family would have meant promoting to a position that made it even harder to spend time with them. My kids especially my youngest were struggling with this. I would go 3-4 days a week without seeing Chandler and Dylan at all. Elliot very briefly in the rush of the morning. I had interviewed at Inogen before Michael's. They called me after I had already been promoted since it only took a couple of months. I turned them down because of a promise to stay for at least a year in my position, plus I loved the job and couldn't imagine leaving it. After a long frustrating day when I realized what my future was going to be there I got a call saying they wanted me to come in and interview again and they had a position for me. If they had called the day before I would have said no. They got me at the perfect time. I said ok. I scheduled the interview on my day off. They officially offered me the job a few weeks later (this all took place over the holidays so it was a slower process than normal). I agonized, cried, and made many pros and cons list. I could not imagine leaving Michaels. It was my home, my happy place, I had so many friends, customers I helped on a regular basis and the other Managers. They had become like sisters. How could I leave them. How could I leave that place. It was truly part of me and it made my soul happy. Then I sat down and talked to my kids about the decision I had to make. They asked a lot of questions. When they found out I could be home for dinner and on the weekends they were so happy. This is what made the final decision. My kids still wanted me around. I won't have many more years of that. I knew I would not love my new job. I knew I would find it boring. I also knew it would open up my life to having a life outside of work. The first few weekends were so strange to me. 2 days off in a row with all of my family home. We didn't even know what to do. My kids then realized that we would be having salad for dinner every night again and said Michaels will still take you back!
My new job is not as full filling to me as Michaels but I do get to help sick people feel better and enjoy their lives every day. I have customers call and tell me they got to see their grandchildren for the first time because I helped them get a portable oxygen concentrator. Oh and the best benefit is the schedule and the pay. We might actually be able to buy a car this year. Never did I think that would be in my future. As long as I work 8 hours they don't care how early or late I work. I can take a long lunch and go on a school Field trip with Elliot or go to work at the crack of dawn when the kids are off so I am home in the afternoons with them.
I do still miss Michaels terribly and I think about it everyday. I feel grateful for making the decision to switch. I have been scrapbooking the many crazy pictures I took while working at Michaels. It makes me teary eyed when I do missing everyone. They are memories I will never forget. I love the fact I was able to stay on as the scrapbooking instructor. Besides the fact I get to keep my discount it has allowed me to still see everyone occasionally and participate in my loved classroom program that I worked so hard on.
These are what I sell.
I was reading some old blog posts and I realized I never really gave an update on my new job. Many people were shocked that I left Michael's for somewhere else. Trust me that no one was more surprised by my decision as myself. I truly loved the job and the people. I was the best me I could be there. I was however working for a corporation that had many restrictions on its employees. I won't go into to much detail about this but it became clear to me that to make the income I needed to support my family would have meant promoting to a position that made it even harder to spend time with them. My kids especially my youngest were struggling with this. I would go 3-4 days a week without seeing Chandler and Dylan at all. Elliot very briefly in the rush of the morning. I had interviewed at Inogen before Michael's. They called me after I had already been promoted since it only took a couple of months. I turned them down because of a promise to stay for at least a year in my position, plus I loved the job and couldn't imagine leaving it. After a long frustrating day when I realized what my future was going to be there I got a call saying they wanted me to come in and interview again and they had a position for me. If they had called the day before I would have said no. They got me at the perfect time. I said ok. I scheduled the interview on my day off. They officially offered me the job a few weeks later (this all took place over the holidays so it was a slower process than normal). I agonized, cried, and made many pros and cons list. I could not imagine leaving Michaels. It was my home, my happy place, I had so many friends, customers I helped on a regular basis and the other Managers. They had become like sisters. How could I leave them. How could I leave that place. It was truly part of me and it made my soul happy. Then I sat down and talked to my kids about the decision I had to make. They asked a lot of questions. When they found out I could be home for dinner and on the weekends they were so happy. This is what made the final decision. My kids still wanted me around. I won't have many more years of that. I knew I would not love my new job. I knew I would find it boring. I also knew it would open up my life to having a life outside of work. The first few weekends were so strange to me. 2 days off in a row with all of my family home. We didn't even know what to do. My kids then realized that we would be having salad for dinner every night again and said Michaels will still take you back!
My new job is not as full filling to me as Michaels but I do get to help sick people feel better and enjoy their lives every day. I have customers call and tell me they got to see their grandchildren for the first time because I helped them get a portable oxygen concentrator. Oh and the best benefit is the schedule and the pay. We might actually be able to buy a car this year. Never did I think that would be in my future. As long as I work 8 hours they don't care how early or late I work. I can take a long lunch and go on a school Field trip with Elliot or go to work at the crack of dawn when the kids are off so I am home in the afternoons with them.
I do still miss Michaels terribly and I think about it everyday. I feel grateful for making the decision to switch. I have been scrapbooking the many crazy pictures I took while working at Michaels. It makes me teary eyed when I do missing everyone. They are memories I will never forget. I love the fact I was able to stay on as the scrapbooking instructor. Besides the fact I get to keep my discount it has allowed me to still see everyone occasionally and participate in my loved classroom program that I worked so hard on.
These are what I sell.
G3 System
- 4 flow settings
- 4.8 pounds
- Battery life up to 9 hours
- Clinically-validated for 24/7 use
G2 System
- 6 flow settings
- 7.0 pounds
- Battery life up to 10 hours
- Clinically-validated for 24/7 use
- 5 liters per minute, continuous flow
- Only 18 pounds
- Extremely quiet
- Energy-efficient
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Transgender.
I have not said a lot about our situation with having a Transgender child other than the one post. I now regret the title I gave it: "My child is gay/ transgender I am going to talk about it so you don't have to." What I meant by the title was that I am going to talk about it so you don't have to wonder any more. I am more than happy to talk about it with you. I will not have all the answers. I will not judge you if we disagree. I just hope that others love us enough to respect our decisions even if they would have gone a different way.
I had an eye opening experience yesterday and I hope that it will help some of you who may be struggling with this. Especially those who love us personally. A long story boils down to this... we had a crash in the bathroom with the shelf that holds all of Chandler's beauty supplies. Chandler couldn't immediately get into the bathroom to see what happened and was very upset. In the aftermath, what she said in her sobs nearly broke my heart as a mother. "Without that stuff (meaning make up and other beauty supplies) the world will see me as a boy again." The shear terror in her voice about being viewed as male was what threw me off. I obviously was aware she felt female and wanted others to see her that way but I didn't fully understand how much it bothered her to be viewed as male. Before going anywhere she does her hair and makeup and is getting so much more mature with her appearance. Yes Chandler has always enjoyed dressing up in costume and having some shock value in her appearance but being female is not about shock value; it is about being true to the person she is inside. Chandler has been much happier since fully presenting as female. Many of the emotional issues lessened or disappeared.
Here is what I want everyone to think about. When someone calls your baby a boy when it is a girl or vice versa most parents get offended to varying degrees. As a teenager can you imagine what you would have felt like if someone at school or a teacher or even a sales clerk refereed to you as the opposite gender. Very few of us would have emotionally been able to deal with that well. This is her life. All she wants is to be seen as she feels. This is who she is and how she has always felt.
I asked her a while back if she always knew she was female and with great insight and wisdom the answer was, "No, I have always felt the way I feel now. I always knew I was different. I didn't realize that why I was different was because I felt like a girl until I realized what that meant. The way I feel inside has not changed."
I hear others' concerns for Chandler on a daily basis. Believe me when I tell you that we have already thought about those and more. What I am learning and I hope others will understand is that the biggest fear among us as parents of a transgender child is not what will happen to them in the outside world but what they will do to themselves if they do not feel loved and accepted by those closest to them. Many transgender teens attempt suicide and many succeed. Many others become homeless because family's won't accept them. As far as I can tell most transgender teens do suffer from depression in varying degrees, and who wouldn't dealing with what they do.
There is still so much we don't understand about being transgender. All I can say for me is that from the time my kids were born I felt so strongly to love and encourage them no matter what they were interested in or wanted to be like. I am grateful now that I never tried to put them in a box. I can only imagine the heartbreak our family would be suffering from if Chandler had not felt accepted and loved at home.
I had an eye opening experience yesterday and I hope that it will help some of you who may be struggling with this. Especially those who love us personally. A long story boils down to this... we had a crash in the bathroom with the shelf that holds all of Chandler's beauty supplies. Chandler couldn't immediately get into the bathroom to see what happened and was very upset. In the aftermath, what she said in her sobs nearly broke my heart as a mother. "Without that stuff (meaning make up and other beauty supplies) the world will see me as a boy again." The shear terror in her voice about being viewed as male was what threw me off. I obviously was aware she felt female and wanted others to see her that way but I didn't fully understand how much it bothered her to be viewed as male. Before going anywhere she does her hair and makeup and is getting so much more mature with her appearance. Yes Chandler has always enjoyed dressing up in costume and having some shock value in her appearance but being female is not about shock value; it is about being true to the person she is inside. Chandler has been much happier since fully presenting as female. Many of the emotional issues lessened or disappeared.
Here is what I want everyone to think about. When someone calls your baby a boy when it is a girl or vice versa most parents get offended to varying degrees. As a teenager can you imagine what you would have felt like if someone at school or a teacher or even a sales clerk refereed to you as the opposite gender. Very few of us would have emotionally been able to deal with that well. This is her life. All she wants is to be seen as she feels. This is who she is and how she has always felt.
I asked her a while back if she always knew she was female and with great insight and wisdom the answer was, "No, I have always felt the way I feel now. I always knew I was different. I didn't realize that why I was different was because I felt like a girl until I realized what that meant. The way I feel inside has not changed."
I hear others' concerns for Chandler on a daily basis. Believe me when I tell you that we have already thought about those and more. What I am learning and I hope others will understand is that the biggest fear among us as parents of a transgender child is not what will happen to them in the outside world but what they will do to themselves if they do not feel loved and accepted by those closest to them. Many transgender teens attempt suicide and many succeed. Many others become homeless because family's won't accept them. As far as I can tell most transgender teens do suffer from depression in varying degrees, and who wouldn't dealing with what they do.
There is still so much we don't understand about being transgender. All I can say for me is that from the time my kids were born I felt so strongly to love and encourage them no matter what they were interested in or wanted to be like. I am grateful now that I never tried to put them in a box. I can only imagine the heartbreak our family would be suffering from if Chandler had not felt accepted and loved at home.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Days!
In my life I have had a few unique days that stand out in my memory. They are unique because nothing special happened on these days. They were just ordinary but I felt very calm, at peace, and just generally happy. I can't describe the complete feeling I had. I don't have the vocabulary to do it justice. I don't mean to say that my normal days are chaotic stress balls of depression although that does happen occasionally. They were just days but for some reason stand out in my memory,
The first one I recall was from being very young and camping at the beach.
The second was when I was 16. It was a Saturday we were having a yard sale. The weather was perfect. The yard sale meant all of the neighborhood kids were out together. I loved the sun, jumping on the trampoline, swimming and just in general enjoying life. The ironic part of that day is that I found out later that night that my Papa had died and my Nana, Aunt and Uncle were all in the hospital from a terrible car accident they were all in. In spite of that, my memory of day is always peaceful.
The 3rd was just after I graduated High School. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life and didn't really know how to figure it out. One morning it was hot and gorgeous outside. I swam all morning and then took a nap with my window open and a slight breeze cooling me off. I remember my skin had that heat of just starting a sun burn. That was a restful nap, I woke up happy, Went swimming some more hung out with a friend and that was all.
I had another one of these days yesterday. It happened to be Valentines day but that didn't have anything to do with it. Eric and I had both forgotten it was coming and when we did remember we told each other not to worry about it. I woke up talked to my mom and went to work at Michaels for a few hours to train my replacement. When I came home I just hung out with Eric, Chandler and Elliot for a while. Then we ran errands with Eric, Elliot, and Dylan. Chandler had friends come over and we had a bbq and went swimming with some friends. I had felt that same feeling all day that I had had in those other unique days.
What makes them stand out in my mind so much? Nothing extraordinary happened but they were just pleasant. Why don't I feel that way about more days. I don't feel like my normal days are bad. Do other people feel this way about their normal days? No matter what or why I remember these this way I am grateful for them.
The first one I recall was from being very young and camping at the beach.
The second was when I was 16. It was a Saturday we were having a yard sale. The weather was perfect. The yard sale meant all of the neighborhood kids were out together. I loved the sun, jumping on the trampoline, swimming and just in general enjoying life. The ironic part of that day is that I found out later that night that my Papa had died and my Nana, Aunt and Uncle were all in the hospital from a terrible car accident they were all in. In spite of that, my memory of day is always peaceful.
The 3rd was just after I graduated High School. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life and didn't really know how to figure it out. One morning it was hot and gorgeous outside. I swam all morning and then took a nap with my window open and a slight breeze cooling me off. I remember my skin had that heat of just starting a sun burn. That was a restful nap, I woke up happy, Went swimming some more hung out with a friend and that was all.
I had another one of these days yesterday. It happened to be Valentines day but that didn't have anything to do with it. Eric and I had both forgotten it was coming and when we did remember we told each other not to worry about it. I woke up talked to my mom and went to work at Michaels for a few hours to train my replacement. When I came home I just hung out with Eric, Chandler and Elliot for a while. Then we ran errands with Eric, Elliot, and Dylan. Chandler had friends come over and we had a bbq and went swimming with some friends. I had felt that same feeling all day that I had had in those other unique days.
What makes them stand out in my mind so much? Nothing extraordinary happened but they were just pleasant. Why don't I feel that way about more days. I don't feel like my normal days are bad. Do other people feel this way about their normal days? No matter what or why I remember these this way I am grateful for them.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Blink of an eye.
As a stay at home mom I always felt like the future was coming. I had a sense of planning for the future. What will I do with the kids, When will we go visit family next. When will I run away and scrapbook? Who will need clothes soon? Who has a birthday coming up? How long can I wait before I have to mop the kitchen? I still mentally plan these things. Since working full time I feel like the time is escaping me. I have always felt certain seasons or ages with my kids went by faster than others. This last year feels like a blink. Besides working full time we have been through a lot within our own little family. What I am trying to figure out is how to make it not feel so fast. I don't want to have regrets when I am older about what I should have done with my kids. At the same time I don't know that I would do much differently. I can't even find the words to describe how I feel about this. I am not so much worried about the passing of time so quickly as the fact that I want to be aware of what is happening. This may be some crazy idea mulling around within my little brain. I often feel like I notice things that seem just normal to everyone else. Just because it is normal doesn't mean that I like the outcome. I don't really know if there is an answer to make me feel better.
Ever since I can remember I have had this thought that everything is either a memory or the future. There really isn't a present. This was always a sad thought for me. The fact that we live for our memories. As I grew up and became a parent living for our memories can be a good thing but it has always seemed so limiting to me to be living this way.
I have always felt comfort in my scrapbooks because they allow me to remember times I might not have otherwise. When my middle son was an infant I suffered from pretty bad Postpartum Depression. I really only have a few memories of the first 6 months of his life. Luckily I did scrapbook. According to my husband it was all I had the motivation to do. I fed the kids and kept them alive, took tons of photos, scrapbooked almost every day. He said it kept me sane. I am so glad I did so we can look back on those times I don't remember. When my youngest was born, every night my husband would come home, hold the baby and I would scrapbook. It was a need, not a want, or a desire. A need. I had an irrational fear that something was going to happen and he would not have a baby book if I didn't make it now. He ended up with 2 huge albums just of his first year. I later realized that part of that compulsion was driven by the fear that my Postpartum Depression would get bad like it had before.
These two areas connect in my head often. Is my fear that I am noticing time pass by so quickly because I am depressed? I don't think that is the case now but it will always be an underlying fear.
I am about to make a huge change in our family's life again. I am switching jobs. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. This new job will allow me to have weekends and holidays off as well as be home in the evenings and have a flexible schedule once I am trained. The pay is much higher than what I currently make. I know this sounds like a no brainer for me to take this new job but it has truly been one of the hardest decisions of my life. I love my job at Michaels. I am good at it. I love the people there. It is so hard to leave something you love and are great at to go to something new and hope you won't hate it. The schedule with my family is the biggest reason for taking the new job. I am hoping my being around more will help with my feelings of time slipping away as well and being able to co-parent more often instead of my husband feeling like a single dad 75% of the time.
Other than just wanting to write down my thoughts I don't know that there is a real reason for this post. Do other people feel this way. My oldest is talking about graduating High school and my baby is planning his 10th birthday. Where did it go.
Thanks for reading my memories in your future.
Ever since I can remember I have had this thought that everything is either a memory or the future. There really isn't a present. This was always a sad thought for me. The fact that we live for our memories. As I grew up and became a parent living for our memories can be a good thing but it has always seemed so limiting to me to be living this way.
I have always felt comfort in my scrapbooks because they allow me to remember times I might not have otherwise. When my middle son was an infant I suffered from pretty bad Postpartum Depression. I really only have a few memories of the first 6 months of his life. Luckily I did scrapbook. According to my husband it was all I had the motivation to do. I fed the kids and kept them alive, took tons of photos, scrapbooked almost every day. He said it kept me sane. I am so glad I did so we can look back on those times I don't remember. When my youngest was born, every night my husband would come home, hold the baby and I would scrapbook. It was a need, not a want, or a desire. A need. I had an irrational fear that something was going to happen and he would not have a baby book if I didn't make it now. He ended up with 2 huge albums just of his first year. I later realized that part of that compulsion was driven by the fear that my Postpartum Depression would get bad like it had before.
These two areas connect in my head often. Is my fear that I am noticing time pass by so quickly because I am depressed? I don't think that is the case now but it will always be an underlying fear.
I am about to make a huge change in our family's life again. I am switching jobs. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. This new job will allow me to have weekends and holidays off as well as be home in the evenings and have a flexible schedule once I am trained. The pay is much higher than what I currently make. I know this sounds like a no brainer for me to take this new job but it has truly been one of the hardest decisions of my life. I love my job at Michaels. I am good at it. I love the people there. It is so hard to leave something you love and are great at to go to something new and hope you won't hate it. The schedule with my family is the biggest reason for taking the new job. I am hoping my being around more will help with my feelings of time slipping away as well and being able to co-parent more often instead of my husband feeling like a single dad 75% of the time.
Other than just wanting to write down my thoughts I don't know that there is a real reason for this post. Do other people feel this way. My oldest is talking about graduating High school and my baby is planning his 10th birthday. Where did it go.
Thanks for reading my memories in your future.
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