Living in the Dark

I am not really sure why or where I am going with this post. It is going to be raw, truthful, and share some personal information some of you may not want to hear. My husband alone probably won't be happy that I am sharing it but I need to rant. It has been an terrible, awful, down in the dumps week month few months. Some background. If you didn't already know my hubby has been looking for work for 4 years now. We have been blessed with temporary jobs to fill in the time but that ends in July and a long term position is desperately needed. We had a very encouraging job search with multiple fly out interviews that did not pan out into anything. Just when we are about to give up we get a new glimmer of hope. Another interview comes along and then once again crushes all our hopes, dreams, and expectations of eating and keeping a roof over our heads.

Our Van. I love our van. Our beautiful dented falling apart van. 2 years ago I picked a fight with a pole in a parking lot and dented the passenger door and sliding door. The very next night trying to prove how tough I am I did the exact same thing in the same spot of the car except this time seriously cracking the side mirror. Every door handle on the outside needed to be changed. I had to change the starter twice. About 6 months ago after a lot of hassle we had to get the overwhelmingly expensive fly wheel changed. A few months ago I was rear ended in a parking lot and crushed the tail light.  Last month a screw fell out of the back side window. A few days later before we could fix it the wind blew the window of and shattered it bending the frame. A fuse blew inside the control panel so we have no working clock or lights on that part of the car. Last Monday I had a flat with 2 nails in it. Monday I was pulled over and informed that none of my break lights were working and that I needed to change fuses, check electrical, bulbs. Yesterday taking the flat into Costco to be repaired they informed me (after 3 hours of waiting) that my 2 front tires were dangerously thin and they didn't even want me driving home on them. Not having budgeted for tires this month spending $300 on the spot was not really an option. I asked if they were under warranty and they said yes but the problem has to do with the alignment being off so the warranty is void. I need to get the alignment taken care of as well as the tires. Costco does not do alignment. We spent hours last night trying to figure out how to pay for this. This morning we wake up and have a flat tire. This just confirms how bad the tires really are.  We have an appointment tomorrow to get new tires and the alignment  After about 4 hours on the phone with friends I had all of the places the kids needed to be dropped off and picked up covered by friends. This was sooooo exhausting emotionally.

A few weeks ago my dear hubby had an interview with a place here in Santa Barbara. We were happy about this for so many reasons the most important of all is that our son would be able to attend the art program he was accepted to. After 2 interviews my hubby felt so good about his chances that he even had his hair cut. If you know him at all this is a big deal. He had it cut business short too. Picture it. It has been at least 5 years since it has been this short. Tonight I walked in and he was in a puddle on the floor unable to speak. I knew what that meant. He just shook his head yes to confirm my suspicions. I know that we won't be given trials beyond what we can bare but I am questioning that like never before. There is only so much the heart can take. I couldn't even say anything. I just sat there next to him silent. Me silent. I still don't have the words to describe the despair, misery, and utter helplessness that is present now.

What is going to happen to us if a job doesn't show up? For so many years things have always worked out, so I assumed it would this time as well. What if it doesn't? What are our options? Move in with parents? This would be awful for everyone involved. I have 2 teenagers now. Can you even comprehend what that would be like? We have great parents too. Did I mention the last time we lived with my in laws my father in law had a heart attack and we only had 2 kids then.

Hubby has a first interview on Friday but it is only a 3 year job in a different state. While any job is welcomed, hoped, prayed, and dreamt for at this point we had started to get comfortable with idea of staying poor by the beach. Living in paradise has spoiled us rotten. We don't have expensive hobbies, activities  etc. We go the the pool 3 or more times a week even in the winter and enjoy the many parks and beaches during the summer and days off of school.

The best way I can describe how I feel is like my van broken, shattered, dented and cracked. Life will go on. We will go on with it. I will still volunteer at school, scrapbook, etc. There is a darkness looming over everything at this point. It is not entirely depression although that has understandably crept in. It is the constant fear of the unknown that lies ahead. Everything I do or plan has this dreaded if we have a job, place to live, food to eat underlying it.

The next time you want to ask me how things are going wait- pause and reflect on whether you really want to know.  Please for Petes sake do not say everything will work out. I am going to start keeping track of everyone who says that to me so if we end up living with our parents homeless I can come collect a quarter from them. I would have quite a bit of money if I actually did that.

I know this is a long shot but if you know of any jobs my hubby and I are both looking. Keep us in mind and in your prayers.

Honestly I know we will survive. The word survive has a very different meaning to me now than a  few years ago. Contemplating possibly living in a one bedroom apartment where 3 years ago I couldn't imagine smaller than 3 goes to show how my perspective has changed. What we have learned to live without and how easy it has been for most of those things has surprised me. I now know how to cook rice and beans in many different ways. The internet is even starting to look like a luxury.

I hope this will pass for us soon. I hope you are all well and happy.  The last few days have just been so overwhelming I can't help but focus on the negative. It will pass and I will go back to dealing with things with more hope. For today we are just dark and that is ok. That is life sometimes.