I have purposely not updated on my hubbys job search as much this season. He had many interviews and jobs that looked like the one. Unfortunately this year didn't turn out much better than before.
On a different side he was offered a job at UCSB. I am not going to go into specifics other than to say it is not in the English department and not a professor job. It looks like we are staying in Goleta.
We have extremely mixed feelings about this. Living at the beach with gorgeous weather has us happy. Paying outrageous amounts of money on rent has us reluctant. The kids will be happy to stay at their schools with their friends. I will be happy to remain with my friends and continue to have scrapbooking buddies. I was so ready to move though. Start fresh. Maybe live somewhere where we could someday see the light at the end of the financial tunnel. What is better living in literal paradise struggling or living in the real world stable? I have days where staying here by the beach is all I can imagine. Then there is bill paying day when I realize we pay more for our apartment than most people pay for their much larger homes. We go swimming regularly all year long and I love it here. I am also starting to resent it.
We are immensely grateful for a job, for both of us having jobs. Sometimes the guilt of wanting to have a better life is topped by the guilt of feeling bad that I want more when so many have so much less.
For now I am relieved that we don't have to move right away. However we will need to find a new place to rent sometime this summer probably so I should start the purging now. Isn't it amazing how fast we fill up our living spaces. We don't even buy much so I am unsure of where it all comes from.
I have so often used FB and my blog to rant or just get things off of my chest. Much in the way a journal would. Now that my kids are older I am not always able to seek this release publicly and get the sage advice and honest concern from others that always comes from doing so. I miss that.
I think the best way to put it is that my life is full of grateful turmoil. I am on both spectrum almost daily. I was unaware until the last few years that this was possible this way. As a sufferer of depression I had always just gone to the bad space when things were not good. Luckily for many reasons I am able to stay out of the bad space most of the time and when I do go there I am able to recognize it and leave quickly. Having all the mixed emotions daily is confusing and relieving all at once. I am unbelievably grateful to feel happy and see the good around me even when so much could or would have brought me down. I am blessed for all the good that is around me daily. My family, friends, job, schools, church I don't know what we would do without these.
These are my random mumbling s at the end of a tiring day. Good Night.
