Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Blink of an eye.

As a stay at home mom I always felt like the future was coming. I had a sense of planning for the future. What will I do with the kids, When will we go visit family next. When will I run away and scrapbook? Who will need clothes soon? Who has a birthday coming up? How long can I wait before I have to mop the kitchen?  I still mentally plan these things. Since working full time I feel like the time is escaping me. I have always felt certain seasons or ages with my kids went by faster than others. This last year feels like a blink. Besides working full time we have been through a lot within our own little family. What I am trying to figure out is how to make it not feel so fast. I don't want to have regrets when I am older about what I should have done with my kids. At the same time I don't know that I would do much differently. I can't even find the words to describe how I feel about this. I am not so much worried about the passing of time so quickly as the fact that I want to be aware of what is happening. This may be some crazy idea mulling around within my little brain. I often feel like I notice things that seem just normal to everyone else. Just because it is normal doesn't mean that I like the outcome. I don't really know if there is an answer to make me feel better.

Ever since I can remember I have had this thought that everything is either a memory or the future. There really isn't a present. This was always a sad thought for me. The fact that we live for our memories. As I grew up and became a parent living for our memories can be a good thing but it has always seemed so limiting to me to be living this way.

 I have always felt comfort in my scrapbooks because they allow me to remember times I might not have otherwise. When my middle son was an infant I suffered from pretty bad Postpartum Depression. I really only have a few memories of the first 6 months of his life. Luckily I did scrapbook. According to my husband it was all I had the motivation to do. I fed the kids and kept them alive, took tons of photos, scrapbooked almost every day. He said it kept me sane. I am so glad I did so we can look back on those times I don't remember. When my youngest was born, every night my husband would come home, hold the baby and I would scrapbook. It was a need, not a want, or a desire. A need. I had an irrational fear that something was going to happen and he would not have a baby book if I didn't make it now. He ended up with 2 huge albums just of his first year. I later realized that part of that compulsion was driven by the fear that my Postpartum Depression would get bad like it had before.

These two areas connect in my head often. Is my fear that I am noticing time pass by so quickly because I am depressed? I don't think that is the case now but it will always be an underlying fear.

I am about to make a huge change in our family's life again. I am switching jobs. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. This new job will allow me to have weekends and holidays off as well as be home in the evenings and have a flexible schedule once I am trained. The pay is much higher than what I currently make. I know this sounds like a no brainer for me to take this new job but it has truly been one of the hardest decisions of my life. I love my job at Michaels. I am good at it. I love the people there. It is so hard to leave something you love and are great at to go to something new and hope you won't hate it. The schedule with my family is the biggest reason for taking the new job. I am hoping my being around more will help with my feelings of time slipping away as well and being able to co-parent more often instead of my husband feeling like a single dad 75% of the time.

Other than just wanting to write down my thoughts I don't know that there is a real reason for this post. Do other people feel this way. My oldest is talking about graduating High school and my baby is planning his 10th birthday. Where did it go.

Thanks for reading my memories in your future.

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